Saturday Evening 10/11
I have aged 5 years this week. My daughter, whome we shall now call Soccer, is a lovely girl, she has had a “boyfriend”( I use that term haltingly as it makes me feel so old) for over a year. They started”dating” about a week after the start of her freshman year, and have been going strong by all indications. The boy, Clarinet, is a nice guy. He is bright, focused on all the right things, school,playing in the HS band, going to college etc. He is also an only child, a bit indulged but in general a good kid. I have voiced concerns over her desire to please him, and in doing so she seems to give up a bit of herself. It’s seemed he got to choose the movies more, he even had his 2 cents in the pot over the choice of the Homecoming dress. If she had wanted to consult him that would have been fine, but it seemed more about his wanting a particular color. I think I am raising my daughter to be strong and independant and I didn’t like the way it seemed to make her behave.
As is common, in her misery over discussing things with her parents, my daughter decided to vent to Clarinet. Soccer was upset that we had any negative opinion of her sweetie. Clarinet didn’t really want to take pictures before the dance. Soccer let me know this and I told her he needed to understand I really want those pics and he needs to accept it.
I really needed to calm down, get rid of my migraine and write the rest of this drama.
So in a bit of defeat Clarinet agreed to said pictures, but everyday was a question about the finalized plans for the dinner, time,location, dance etc. Friday I actually called him mom, because Soccer coudln’t tell me anything. Mom of boy was very nice, said she had suggested something close to hom, she was making reservations, she would let me know time. Pictures were fine, etc.
In my eyes there had been a few bumps but all was moving ahead. I sensed a hesitation in Soccer to discuss Clarinet with me, and she was moody, and also tired the afternoon of the dance. I offered to paint her toe nails, we had her nails done professionaly on Friday. She was sitting down for the pedi,and said, we really need to be ontime for pictures, Clarinet wants to be ontime for dinner etc. This was so odd, as I do not tend to be late…….and she seemed to be driving home some point, and her dad and I questioned what was really going on. She got upset, proceeded to tell us that Clarinet thinks I don’t like him, that I’ve been rude to him, that he didn’t like how I told her I thought he was controlling, etc. Certainly my biggest surprise was that every word I’d ever mentioned negatively about Clarinet was shared with him. I know this is a typical teen outlet, tell the boyfriend or best friend every evil word and deed my parental units have subjected me to….but in this instance I felt my privacy had been invaded.
I admit I have had hesitations of his control, over his overly bragging about money and things. Soccer’s dad and I have expressed to her many times we like Clarinet,but we wish he was not so about possessions.
What ensued next was her saying she wanted no pictures and I told her, fine we’ll skp it, she should just go have a nice night and not concern herself with this small wish of mine, I admit, I was angry and hurt. She must have rushed to call Clarinet and whine about the change and the next thing we know,she is crying her eyes out, saying he is mad at her, and he doesn’t even want to go, he told his mom that I’ve said mean things about him and she is mad at me too. She, the mother, wants to talk to me etc. I am not one to shy away from speaking my mind, so we call his mother, and my husband and I talk to her, saying yes, we felt there was some unneeded pressure about the silly dress color, and that while we do like Clarinet, we are honest and do not see any of our children as perfect. We say our daughter would not be dating him if we didn’t approve of him. She told us he was upset, and that he may not want to even go to said dance. She oddly mentioned they had been bickering and that they are young and perhaps this is its natural course and they are heading for a breakup. She told us yes she may be seen as controlling, but he is her only son, he is all she has and will be gone in 2 years. Please note, Clarinet has a father, who lives with them, but he does not participate as much in his life or activities.
I had to take a walk, and talk to my husband and tell him that if this boy broke my little Soccer’s heart on the day of homecoming I would never forgive him…….how dare he venture to be such an ass. I calmed down enough to talk to Soccer and she tried to call him and after a while they talked, they went out. A short photo shot happened at his house, where they really do have lovely landscaping.
On all accounts they had fun, my other daughter reported they seemed attatched at the hip.
I agonize over parenting, where I go right, more where I go wrong. I worry that a boyfriend that influences small things will influence larger choices that she may not be ready for.
I only know one thing…………..I’ll never survive the teen years of all 3 of my children if we have many more nights like that one!!